My world, small and happy.

“Don’t cry, I’m right here with you.” When he couldn’t sleep or when he was hungry or when he did potty, she used to know it very well and quick. It was during breast-feeding time when he used to knowingly shout on top of his voice as he didn’t want to leave her comfortable and warm lap, may it be during freezing winter mornings or windy evenings. With her warm smile, she used to pamper him. Then it used to diaper change time, she used cotton cloth to avoid rashes in his soft and sensitive skin. Again, at that very instant, my mom used to sing songs and make funny faces so that he could cope up in the same way while he was wrapped around her arms. I still remember how much I pleaded to have my own brother when I was a third grader. By few months I could see a bump in my mum’s tummy. As I learnt sex education at school I had no curiosity about mum’s tummy or how it happened; neither could my parents give me fantasizing answers as I could already tell from her symptoms on pregna...

After your everyday’s schedule, you must be really tired and bored of your life, aren’t you? Maybe it is because you are so much occupied with assignments and project work you hardly have time to think about things you love. Or, it may be because of something that is missing in your life, which you fail to discover yourself and end up living a boring life, or a day which was hectic, stressing and just uncomfortable for you. At the end of the day, you’re laying down on the couch making yourself comfortable, sighing, for surviving the day against everything. You must either be exhausted or disappointed on yourself. Or if I am wrong then it must be explosion of thoughts and feelings which left you numb. It’s just not tolerable by you, but you’re still holding into it as long as you can. Well, if it is killing you every day you must let it go, or, if you think it would be worth tolerating then go for it. Life is already complicated for you, it’s better not to make it even complicated...

                     Seasonal flowers of yellow, orange, white, purple, prettily lined up in rows at the rooftop. Dark and cold mornings but pretty hot evenings, full sweater and long stockings for uniform, and hot water bottle.This is exactly how i thought about fall. All our lady party in the house generously started preparing for the festival of lights, shopping for the five-day long festival. Before few weeks and after Dashain, I observed the newly brought flowers which was little bud just ready to turn into pretty flowers. All the flowers used to get plucked for many purposes like decorating the house and making garlands. The kid party used to be under strict command; not to spoil the flowers while playing around.                         After few months in Germany, during fall, I used to remember celebrating Ti...

“Rapacha.”            She came running towards the entrance gate of the venue. It was our relatives birthday party. I took my cousin sister, Naima along with me as I was staying over her house from the past few days.            As soon as we saw each other, we made one of those excited scream, hugging each other. Before few days my cousin showed up at my college, where I introduced her with Toshila, another cousin sister. I was happy to see three of us together on the party that evening, it was indeed a hectic week with tests and exams coming near and the entire struggle at college. I must say, it was like escaping life from fear, stress, and every bad thing that was happening. I still remember searching for you at college after seeing the student’s name list. I was not sure if we were cousins but I was excited to have someone from same cultural background. And later, I came to ...

               She used to hug me everyday before leaving for home after college. The hug used to last for quite long, tapping each other at the back, whispering things on each others ear. The next day we used to have a broad smile on our faces and greet each other. At such a small amount of time that we’ve spent together,we did get to learn a lot from each other and be a part of each other’s life.                I still remember our discussions, meetings, investigations and everything that we went through together during lunch hours and free periods trying hard enough to make it a success. Oh, and not to forget about class announcements along with Namuna. Weeks before Fresher’s and Farewell, few days before any event, committees meeting. Later at night freaking out together, having group discussions, checking each other’s mail and freaking out in the morning again. Ye...

                        I’ve known you for years. Did you know, even though it’s hard for you to name everyday’s thought you’d come across, I used to listen to everything that you had to narrate about, I was there for you. Couldn’t you feel the importance of my presence in your life? Does something called emotions even penetrate within you? Because you proved how heartless you are. Heartless? More like making me feel pitiful, alone, cold and scared. Did you ever stop thinking about yourself or try to find a clue about what state I was in standing there with a smile at my gloomy face trying to cheer you up. Or, do you even know how I tried to hold back my tears and emotions thinking that you have bigger problems than me in your life? Nothing has changed. Not you, not me.               It was a lazy autumn weekend. After having breakfast, I checked over my boo...

             I first got introduced to his group of friends on the very first day at MIS which was almost 7 years ago. As I got lost from the reception which leads to staircases then to big classes, students were studying quietly, I was late for my first class. with little fright and awkwardness. I somehow managed to find 5'B'. it was in late July summer morning where the typical pungent smell of Bagmati thrilled me, which I was missing the most, back in Germany. I looked around the class, joint desks, well-dressed students around 40 of them, big loaded bag with water bottle and every necessary items, yes, I got the old schooldays flashback at GBBS before I left Nepal. A sweet lady, who happened to be my class teacher stood in front of the class to welcome me. Facing towards the class I introduced myself, the way I learnt in a free and open-minded environment. After my awkward intro, Chanda ma'am mentioned about some hooligans ...

‘Hey, all good?’ ‘Why do you look so grumpy?' ‘Wait. When was the last time you smiled?’ I know what you look for. I know how much you wish to see me smile even if I have no reason to smile, most importantly you worry about how I hide my joyous space in between and prefer to have a faded numb face. I also know how you try to make me smile often in ways where I give a faint gentle smile. But you know what? I fake a smile because I’ve been all alone going through this phase. I am lost in my own world searching for your presence, your support and love which would heal me anyhow. But, you know, it is really complicated for me to face you and explain it about how much I want you in my life. I fake a smile because I am devastated in ways where I’ve started giving priorities to self-love which resulted in loneliness. I can tell, it has been my common place as I am alone with my thoughts, which I want to share with you but can’t. Where I want to keep up you till late nights and...

                  “O! My dearest Goddess Mom and God Dad, my supreme creators, I adore and salute your love and support. Thank you for feeding me today and I praise you for making the hours of my life successful and memorable. Guide me to enlightenment always both in my dreams and reality. Glory to you! Modenban Dumla. Good morning.” Like every morning before washing up, I used to stand in front of the door, joining my hands, closing my eyes and doing my prayer on top of my voice so that papa would hear it wherever he was. He knew that I used to skip some lines or words as it was must for me to learn this prayer by heart ever since I was a first grader.                       I still remember how my  aunty, Kamana, who is just 4 months older than me used to come over to look for me to start the day with mischievousness and fun. Our giggling, ridiculous excitement while runnin...

                       After the last bell, I hurriedly changed my classroom shoe, took my sport kit and helmet and rushed towards the exit door, a big wooden door. The clear blue sky, sun’s brilliance on the facade, the mellow blow of summer wind, lingers my hair all through my ride home from the school over the silent freeway road in the cycle lane. I rushed into Universities Guest House and parked my cycle in my favourite spot and ring into our apartment’s bell where I used to be welcomed warmly by my tiny little brother, Aris, who was just 12 months, who would gesture me with cuteness.                       I then dumped my backpack in a corner and sat in front of the TV with some peanut butter and cucumber. That day, we took the road to Opera’s back house park. I rode faster to the park and used to be happy over myself for making at first place, because that ...

               She unblocks her heels tiptoeing  and  hurriedly rushes towards her regular wooden door, which helps her escape from things, things which are worse, turn up being worse, simply worse. As soon as she steps inside she locks the door and can see her entire world standing right in front of her. Her world, the floor all covered up with clothes which lied down while finding her school shirt, her wardrobe where empty hanger hung while searching her socks, her warm bed conquered by piles of books and worksheet from last night, her desk loaded with fairy tale books, on which she was working for her project with color pencils and crayons all over, her dustbin which overflowed due to last nights junk, her favorite leftover snacks and empty can of coke and her white board which reminded her of her all pending works to do. It is already past night as she came home late after her hangover in the club. Before thinking of anything she ta...

T he clock was about to strike 12. It was a silent, cold night. She was home alone. With her heavy head she looked herself in the mirror with her swollen eyes and messed hair. Knowing that she could hold on tight until her temptation was to fall for a long time and leave a dreadful scar behind, her sadness embed her fragile heart. She locks herself. Opens her drawer and takes out a scissor. She slid her wrist. Her entire world stood still as she felt numb. She lied in a corner resisting the inevitable pain. She screamed so loud until her scratchy throat made her breathing difficult. She was on the floor for hours crying and sobbing restlessly drinking a bottle of vodka. She sliced open her artery. She didn’t want to live. She searched for a single reason why she wanted to live, but she didn’t deserve to. She was disgusted on herself and wanted to end it all. She felt no pain. She calmed herself down, as her sleeping pill made her dizzy and put her to bed on the floor. She was out fo...

Faded It was monsoon, A rainy day, She stood there,   Near the highway, Waiting for someone, With a bunch of orchid her hand, Mixed feeling was readable,                                                 And it started drizzling, “Patience” was what she endured, A cool breeze waved her short hair, Her glasses was all drenched with water droplets, The highway was silent, Only the rain drops echoed all over, Then the headlights turned on, There was no sign of that someone, The rain already made her wet, And the darkness allotted, But still she had some hope, To fix the misunderstanding, To get that prestige back, To fill the gap of happiness, Her hope faded away along with the rain, It seemed nobo...

Who does not love surprises? We all do, or maybe at least some people do. But there are who don’t, very few. She was among st them. Neither does she love, nor she knows how to, even if she knows it is not that particular. Well, she tried, at least she did. A bunch of fresh flowers, she loves flowers, flowers of color yellow, pink, white and red. Yes, it was for her. She did this much to at least show that she matter in her life and she is blissful and happy to have her. She completely enjoyed every part of it and still have few exact words for fluttering me as she was speechless.  Today is her day, her day to flutter someone, well how but? She is also unlike her. Got confused between she and her? She and her are two completely different souls who bound to be tied up and go through thick and thins together. It was not she this time, it was him. Him is another beautiful person of her life. It is really difficult for her to accept the fact that she was escaping from him and her s...

It doesn’t get good sometimes, so it feels not to get better at all. She just wants to brew on a strong coffee under comfy, warm blanket, putting her thoughts together in a piece of sheet as it seemed that everyone have had enough of her getting moody and sad over and over again. Hey, listen, she’s trying, she’s trying hard enough to cheer herself before realizing it was her prolongation to fall apart since a long time. Everything happens for a reason, they say. She’s waiting for that reason as to why she is getting anomic, the feeling of getting detached from everything except for her head full of contemplation. As she was self-motivated, she thought of finding ways to divert her mind, in short recover. Yes, recover, it might have been really hard and difficult for her to come into a conclusion. So for her, recovery wasn’t Baltimore cake with walnut sprinkled with sesame seed. Recovery neither was her happy moments captured in the frame nor was the quality time spent with brother ...

A warm breezy wind of June strolled around this evening when I went to the terrace after a long day at college. The weather was just perfect for my mood while I was listening to Silbermond with icy detox water, already mesmerizing the majestic sun in front of me. It was the heavy clouds, warm summer breeze, the angry hills, my thoughts and me. As I sip the refresher, the valley’s air moves swiftly and the clouds get angrier until I get goosebumps, a sudden feeling for excitement with the beat of the next song in my playlist.  I then took a deep breath and puffed my lungs until I felt like the entire toxicity went through the comfy air.  I took a look around me, I could see the entire valley surrounded by hills and a flock of pigeon swarms across the grey sky, yes, it was about to rain. Another gentle breeze flipped my hair, my short hair, playing through my hair entangling them in between. I finished the cucumber slices sprinkled with peppermint and lemon at a bite being it...

 The little girl stood there, All alone under the big tree, Glancing in the clear blue sky, The breeze flipped her blonde hair, The smell of the grass delighted her, She took a few step forward, And there, There was a meadow, Meadow with short grasses, Meadow with wild flowers, Flowers of color white, pink and red, Yellow butterflies made her wonder, Wonder what tiny colorful thing is flying around, Bees swarmed over, The bright sun made her cozy, She lay down, Staring at the clouds, Fantasizing her query, About the yellow butterflies, About the clear blue sky, About the meadow And, about the wild flowers.

She welcomed her beginning with an exhaustion on her face. That face which could tell you easily how tired she was from this life. She could feel how cheerful and self-contended she was in her previous life. Maybe in this life she was born just to show fake everything, fake smile, fake promises, fake desire, just fake everything. But what was that bitterness which made her sadder everyday? What was that reason, there must have been something right? Something really deep and unheard, just untold. She was already haunted by her past and old memories, what now? Was the creation or re-creation of those times? Or, was it just a way to make her feel pity every single time when she isn't in the mood? Or, maybe she made everything obvious about her sadness. It could have been anything. I wish she could share it to someone, a that someone who would not make it certain and more doubtful to her. A that someone who could just listen and would no longer remember to what she just narrated. Yes, ...