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Eccedentesiast

‘Hey, all good?’

‘Why do you look so grumpy?'

‘Wait. When was the last time you smiled?’

I know what you look for. I know how much you wish to see me smile even if I have no reason to smile, most importantly you worry about how I hide my joyous space in between and prefer to have a faded numb face. I also know how you try to make me smile often in ways where I give a faint gentle smile.

But you know what?

I fake a smile because I’ve been all alone going through this phase. I am lost in my own world searching for your presence, your support and love which would heal me anyhow. But, you know, it is really complicated for me to face you and explain it about how much I want you in my life.

I fake a smile because I am devastated in ways where I’ve started giving priorities to self-love which resulted in loneliness. I can tell, it has been my common place as I am alone with my thoughts, which I want to share with you but can’t. Where I want to keep up you till late nights and talk about it.

I fake a smile because I am scared. I am scared that you will judge me through my longing face. I’ve tried to smile hard in front of you because I am scared to loose you. I don’t want to feel the sharp words coming from your mouth which can slit my arms apart. I don’t want to be felt worthless and broken by letting you know my reason for my sadness, all I wanted is a promised love and protection which cannot be comprehended in words or articulated through feelings.

You know, I fake a smile because you can smile back to me so that I can look into your shining eyes which can make my day.

Even though you know my mental exhaustion I want to fake a smile for you so that you would think of my life close to flawless. But I see which is not. I wish you could freeze and see my laughter. I wish you could calculate my smile and happiness. I wish I could stop faking my smile.

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