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She


It doesn’t get good sometimes, so it feels not to get better at all. She just wants to brew on a strong coffee under comfy, warm blanket, putting her thoughts together in a piece of sheet as it seemed that everyone have had enough of her getting moody and sad over and over again. Hey, listen, she’s trying, she’s trying hard enough to cheer herself before realizing it was her prolongation to fall apart since a long time. Everything happens for a reason, they say. She’s waiting for that reason as to why she is getting anomic, the feeling of getting detached from everything except for her head full of contemplation. As she was self-motivated, she thought of finding ways to divert her mind, in short recover. Yes, recover, it might have been really hard and difficult for her to come into a conclusion. So for her, recovery wasn’t Baltimore cake with walnut sprinkled with sesame seed. Recovery neither was her happy moments captured in the frame nor was the quality time spent with brother figuring out the puzzle listening to her current jam. For her, her recovery was sobbing in the washroom all alone in the dark listening to her own echo. Her recovery was letting her tears flood in between the lecture classes. Even though it was embarrassing for her, if anyone would come to know that she sobbed in the class, she reminded herself not to get embarrassed because it soothed her. She thinks she can recover by staring at her scars longingly which were beautifully painted over her wrist in those sleepless nights. Recovery for her was telling her well-wishers that she is doing all fine because they make her feel more worried and sick ever since she started opening up in umpteenth time, so she no longer did. She forced herself into sleep after 11:11, praying hard to make the new days ahead of her a worth living one. She woke up from a horrible dream of last night, well last night? There were and was many countless last night’s under her blanket with her thoughts. She was too scared to be sad, she was scared how her sadness captivated her entire body as the demons inside her lurks in, she no longer wanted to live like this.

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